"Refuse to allow the circumstances of life to swallow you up so that you lose perspective. There are things to do, but everything must be done from a position of order instead of chaos. Be thoughtful in your process and apply divine wisdom. Establish and maintain a solid connection with Me, says the Lord, and I will guide you. Stay calm."
Life is hard and at times can seem extremely unfair.
However, those difficult and unfair situations make the good moments worth living for.
These last 8 months have not been the easiest for me, but this journey of healing and acceptance has helped me grow into a better person.
For as far back as I can remember, I was these 2 things.
A runner and a fixer.
I always ran away when things got tough.
I'd either run and turn to alcohol to bury the pain that I didn't want to face.
OR
I tended to run into relationships that always needed fixing beyond what I could personally repair myself.
In doing so, I lost who I was and became a caregiver to everyone else.
I felt like if I could fix everyone else's problems, this emptiness inside me would be filled with gratitude from helping others.
That the pain from my past would just disappear.
But I found myself only feeling more alone and confused.
After finding the strength to get out of a relationship that was going down a dead end road, I promised myself that I would not get involved with anyone else until I fixed myself.
I always said my motto was "Until you become a me, you can't become a we."
Even though I preached this on many occasions, I didn't know how to become a "me."
Quite frankly, I didn't even like who me was!
Regardless of how much I despised myself, I knew I had learn to accept myself before I could have a healthy relationship with anyone else.
In the last 8 months, here are the things I've learned.
I have learned that being alone is okay.
I have learned that I don't need anyone, but I do desire to be with someone.
I have learned that the only thing in life I truly need is God and God alone.
I have learned that my past was causing me to make poor decisions in my present.
I have learned to deal with my past, which led to learning how to be truly vulnerable, raw, and real with myself.
I have learned that I am a good person.
I have learned that I am NOT a victim.
I have learned that my past was NOT a mistake.
I have learned that all the horrible and unfair things that happened in my past where just life experiences to help me grow and understand what I want for my future.
I have learned that I am strong and my past will no longer keep me down.
I have learned to accept myself.
I have learned that I can only control how I react to people, but I can't control how people act.
I have learned that I can only make myself happy, no one else is responsible for that.
I have learned how to trust myself again.
I have learned self-control.
I have learned each day is a blessing.
I have learned to truly love the woman that God has created me to be.
Learning all of this about myself has not been easy and there were times I just wanted to give up over the last 8 months and fall back into old habits.
But I didn't. I kept pushing forward.
I trusted God to be in control and here I stand today:
STRONGER.
SMARTER.
HAPPIER.
HEALTHIER.
I love where my life is at in this moment. I love that I'm okay with being single at 30 years old and knowing that I can take care of myself and not feel dependent on anyone.
Do I want to start a family one day?
Of course I do, more than anything.
But I want to continue growing into a healthier and happier person so when the right person does come along, I'll actually be ready to finally become a "we."
God has taught me a lot, especially in these last 8 months.
The thing I love about Him the most, are the little lessons He teaches me each day when I least expect or find myself feeling like a victim from my past.
What He taught me this week was so profound, I couldn't help but laugh and call myself silly for feeling so negative about myself.
Here is what he taught me through a devotional I receive every morning.
"Beloved, I have created you to be resilient, and I will lift you to a place spiritually where you can bounce back from difficult conditions. However, you must exercise your will to move forward by not taking the victim position. Take one step at a time and one day at a time to regain faith and power, says the Lord."
You are not a victim. You will overcome whatever you are facing. Trust God and learn to trust yourself again. In time, you will find what you've been searching for this entire time.
That my friends, is YOU. The person God created YOU to be.
