Healing.
What does healing mean to you?
To me, it means allowing your mind, body, and soul to be completely vulnerable. Letting go of the control you have over your life and just giving your soul that chance to experience peace. And in that moment, the peace begins to fill your entire body and you feel all the broken pieces being put back together in that single moment. You start anew.
Today I got to experience something very powerful, scary, and amazing all at the same time.
As I said in my previous blog, I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety recently. Almost to the point that it's taking over my life. I have a feeling today's opportunity could have possibly changed that....
I've been to a healing mass before, however I was quite young to even understand the meaning of what the healing service was all about. I did however witness my sister experience healing during that mass as a young girl.
I drove my sister back home to Ohio today knowing what was to come tonight....
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN......
THE HEALING MASS!!!
As I drove, many thoughts crossed my mind.
Ok, do I really need healing? Well, everyone needs healing, but am I being selfish by wanting to experience the holy spirit heal my troubled soul?
YOU bleppity bleep bleep car!! Get the bleep off the road!!!
Oh Kara, you definitely need healing tonight. If it's not for your anxiety, it's obviously for your road rage and selective choice of profound words.
We continue driving and my anxiety increases as we get closer to Ohio. Anticipation for tonight's mass? I wasn't so sure at that time. I kept blaming it on the awful traffic we came upon and the terrible drivers.
As we enter the small town in Ohio, we finally reach our destination. We unload the car, I take a long nap, eat, and get ready for this mass.
As we arrive at the church, I start to panic.
Coming to this mass means I have to be vulnerable. I'm not ready to be vulnerable. I don't want to cry. I don't want to rest in the spirit. I'm not ready for this.
Even though my mind was repeating this over and over again, my body kept pressing forward towards the church. Kimi and I walked in silence most of the way. The only form of conversation was me asking questions regarding this mass.
We finally made it into the church and took a seat. I began to pray. I first started off by thanking God for getting me this far. Thanking him for everything he has blessed me with recently. I then prayed for those who are struggling with different things in their lives, praying that their souls would find peace during their struggles.
Check the pulse...holy moly my heart rate just keeps getting higher. My anxiety has only increased since I got here. God seriously?? I'm here in your house. Why do I feel anxious?
Mass started and ended. As the healing part of the mass approached, my chest was tight. I began to sweat. I felt like I couldn't breathe.
The priest started to explain what was about to happen. This is the short version:
"The healing mass is a time for your soul to find healing. Whether it's physical, emotional, mental. Your soul will find healing in this mass if you allow it. There are three ways you know the spirit is healing your soul. One might feel warmth overcome their body. One might begin to cry, especially those who find it very hard to allow themselves to cry. And then the one most people are terrified of...resting in the spirit. This is where you are still in a very conscious state, but your soul is resting. You will feel the urge to fall back. No, I'm not pushing you and many people blame me for pushing them. It's the power of the holy spirit. There will be someone behind you to catch you and help you lay down. Don't fight it. It's hard to be in a vulnerable state, but if the holy spirit is powerful enough to enter your soul like that, let the holy spirit do the healing."
Rest in the spirit? I don't think so. Cry? Yeah right. I'm not one to cry and there are TONS of people here. Like I'm gonna cry in front of them? Psh, no way. Oh dear God, please let me feel the warmth overcome my body!
I watch as people proceed to front to accept their blessing. Rather than adding to my high anxiety by worrying what could possibly happen, I prayed for every person that received a blessing. There were over 50 people in the church. I sat and prayed for each one. I tried to turn my selfish thoughts of anxiety into a selfless act of kindness. Everyone goes through so many difference struggles every day. Prayer is very powerful and I knew that's what I needed to do.
Heavenly father, I pray that his/her soul gets the healing it needs.
The first few people never fell back. After 10 people, I finally saw the first person rest in the spirit. The priest put his hand on her head and began to pray over her. Her body began to tilt back. She fought it. The priest continued praying. Her body titled back again and she gave in and let herself fall back. The person behind her caught her and gently laid her down on the ground. And there, she rested in the spirit and allowed her soul to heal.
I cried. What a beautiful and wonderful moment. She gave herself, body and soul over to God and allowed HIM to heal her soul.
Kimi leaned over and asked,
"Do you want to go up there yet?"
I shook my head no and said I needed more time.
I continued to pray for each person who made their way up. Some people rested in the spirit and some didn't. Some fought it and some just allowed themselves to fall.
Finally I said I was ready.
As we made our way closer to the front of the church, my body began to shake. My heart rate was increasing and I was getting very nervous. We waited as the priest approached us.
As he made his way towards me, I just allowed myself in that split second to be vulnerable. He approached me, anointed me with oil, and put his hand up to my head. His fingers barely touched my forehead and his prayer barely began and I felt my body tilt back. I felt warmth fill my entire body as I fell back. In that moment, I gave myself completely over to God.
There wasn't a thought in my mind. All I felt was freedom as my body fell back and landed in the arms of someone who kept me safe. As he helped me fall to the floor, all I could feel was my heart rate jump as high as it had ever been. Although my heart rate was high, I didn't feel anxious. I didn't feel scared. I didn't feel overwhelmed by stress. As I laid there, my heart rate continued going up. I just sat there thanking God for giving my soul a chance to heal.
My eyes opened about a minute later and I stood up, walked back to my seat, and just prayed. My heart rate still very high and all I could think do was ask, "why?"
"Why is my heart beating so fast but yet I feel no sign of being anxious? I don't understand God. Is my soul healing itself?"
As Kimi made her way back to her seat, we gathered our things and left. As we made it into the car, my heart rate finally began to drop.
Once we got home, we called our mom and told her about our experience. I told her my heart was still racing more than I thought it would. As a few more minutes passed, I checked my pulse. My heart was finally back to beating like it should. This is the first time in a month that my heart rate was normal.
I don't have any sign of anxiety. I don't feel that tightness in my chest. I truly feel at peace.
For the first time in a month....
Was I healed?
I'd like to believe so. It's hard to be vulnerable, but amazing things can happen to one's soul when it becomes completely vulnerable.
Would you ever allow yourself to be that vulnerable? Let go of any type of control and just let God take control like that?
As your ponder that thought, know I'm praying for you. I pray that whatever struggles you are facing, that your soul will find the healing it needs. I pray that your soul finds the peace it needs and you find your way back to feeling normal.
God bless you.
XOXO
