The Heart of Christmas

"Lord our God, with the birth of your Son, your glory breaks on the world. Through the night hours of the darkened earth, we your people watch for the coming of your promised Son. As we wait, give us a foretaste of the joy that you will grant us when the fullness of his glory has filled the earth, who lives and reigns with you for ever and ever. Amen."

This new year is the year of mercy and forgiveness.

As the days led up to this beautiful day in which we celebrate Christ's birth, I tried to grasp the true meaning of Advent.

The word Advent comes from the Latin word "coming."

For many years, Christmas to me was all about presents, cookie making, decorations, and all the worldly things it has become.

During the Advent season, I tried to read a passage from my advent devotional book I picked up from the Basilica in Carey, OH.

Each passage was filled with many reflections on how to strengthen my relationship with my faith and Christ.

Each night, I tried to remember that Advent was intended for the preparation of Christ's arrival, his birth that we celebrate on Christmas Day as well as his second coming.

And I needed to prepare my heart.

I will admit that a lot of those days, my heart was cold. I could barely even think of the true meaning of Advent because my life was so wrapped up with doctor's appointments, stress at work, stress of finding the perfect gifts for everyone, and even stress to make everything look just right for Christmas in my apartment.

Even at the beginning of this week, leading up to Christmas, I could feel myself slipping so far away that I became angry.  My anxiety intensified.  I could feel Satan pulling me so far away from the true meaning of this season.

One night, I finally sat down and realized I was focusing on things that weren't important.  I was allowing all of the negative things in my life take over what I was striving to find this season....

Peace.

Forgiveness.

Mercy.

Love.

Joy.

And in that moment, I felt all of these things I'd been searching for.  I forgave those who have done me wrong.  I asked for forgiveness for all the wrong I had done.  I could feel God's presence within me during this quiet reflection and I felt His mercy and grace.  I felt peace and joy.  I felt His unconditional love.

From that day forward this week, for the first time in 27 years, I finally grasped the true meaning of Christmas.

This season is about sharing laughter and love with those family and friends around you.

This season is about being thankful for all you've been blessed with, big or small.

This season is about forgiveness and mercy.

This season is to recognize the good in people and also the good within yourself.

This season is about our Lord Jesus Christ, who came into this world to teach us all of these things and many more.

I truly believe that the heart of Christmas, taught to us by Christ Himself, is to cherish each moment we have on this earth.  No matter how difficult our journey is, no matter how much we stumbled and fall off that path, no matter how many horrible things we face, we are to cherish each day given to us.  

I pray this Christmas brings all of you so many blessings, love, laughter, and joy that will last throughout the new year...a year of mercy!

Merry Christmas to all of you!

You're here for a reason and a purpose!
Don't let your light burn out.
Inspire those around you.

Be the LIGHT in this DARK WORLD,
and shine the love of Christ from within,
today and always!

-Isaiah 9:6

A Grateful Heart

Lord God Almighty,

YOU have brought us safely to the beginning of this day,

Defend us in it by Your mighty power,

That this day we may not fall into sin,

But that all our words may be spoken

And all our thoughts and actions directed in such manner

As always to be pleasing in Your sight. 

Through Christ our Lord.  

Amen.

How often do we wake up with a grateful heart?  Most mornings, the first thought that crosses my mind is, "No, I'm too tired.  I don't want to get up.  Why do I have to get up??"

And let's not forget those mornings where we wake up late and have to rush around to get out the door on time.  Those thoughts and words are often far from grateful.  Mine are filled with some negative language and anxiety.

This morning though, I woke up wanting to have a grateful heart.  I've been blessed with so many things lately, and as I opened my eyes, I thanked God for every single thing in my life.  

I thanked Him for a safe place to live.  Family to love.  Friends to grow closer to.  A beautiful sunrise.  A faith that I continue to grow and learn more about.  A special someone who God brought into my life.  Someone who is showing me what trusting the Lord is all about. 

It took me a long time to understand that I had to be happy with myself before I could find happiness with someone else.  Someone that God had just for me.

Most people believe that happiness comes from others.  I believed this for almost 25 years until I failed at something I never thought I would.

But with God's grace, I learned that my happiness, my joy, my love, and my faithful heart all come from Him.  In order to give yourself fully to people in your life, you must love God.  In return, you will love yourself.  And by loving yourself, you can share that love and happiness with those around you.  

So this morning, I'm grateful for God's unconditional love and faithfulness.  What are you thankful for? 

  

Are YOU Afraid to Fall?

Healing.

What does healing mean to you?

To me, it means allowing your mind, body, and soul to be completely vulnerable.  Letting go of the control you have over your life and just giving your soul that chance to experience peace.  And in that moment, the peace begins to fill your entire body and you feel all the broken pieces being put back together in that single moment.  You start anew.

Today I got to experience something very powerful, scary, and amazing all at the same time.

As I said in my previous blog, I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety recently.  Almost to the point that it's taking over my life.  I have a feeling today's opportunity could have possibly changed that....

I've been to a healing mass before, however I was quite young to even understand the meaning of what the healing service was all about.  I did however witness my sister experience healing during that mass as a young girl.

I drove my sister back home to Ohio today knowing what was to come tonight....

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN......

THE HEALING MASS!!!

As I drove, many thoughts crossed my mind.

Ok, do I really need healing?  Well, everyone needs healing, but am I being selfish by wanting to experience the holy spirit heal my troubled soul?

YOU bleppity bleep bleep car!!  Get the bleep off the road!!!

Oh Kara, you definitely need healing tonight.  If it's not for your anxiety, it's obviously for your road rage and selective choice of profound words.

We continue driving and my anxiety increases as we get closer to Ohio.  Anticipation for tonight's mass?  I wasn't so sure at that time.  I kept blaming it on the awful traffic we came upon and the terrible drivers.

As we enter the small town in Ohio, we finally reach our destination.  We unload the car, I take a long nap, eat, and get ready for this mass.  

As we arrive at the church, I start to panic.

Coming to this mass means I have to be vulnerable.  I'm not ready to be vulnerable.  I don't want to cry.  I don't want to rest in the spirit.  I'm not ready for this.

Even though my mind was repeating this over and over again, my body kept pressing forward towards the church.  Kimi and I walked in silence most of the way.  The only form of conversation was me asking questions regarding this mass.

We finally made it into the church and took a seat.  I began to pray.  I first started off by thanking God for getting me this far.  Thanking him for everything he has blessed me with recently.  I then prayed for those who are struggling with different things in their lives, praying that their souls would find peace during their struggles.

Check the pulse...holy moly my heart rate just keeps getting higher.  My anxiety has only increased since I got here.  God seriously??  I'm here in your house.  Why do I feel anxious?

Mass started and ended.  As the healing part of the mass approached, my chest was tight.  I began to sweat.  I felt like I couldn't breathe.

The priest started to explain what was about to happen.  This is the short version:

"The healing mass is a time for your soul to find healing.  Whether it's physical, emotional, mental.  Your soul will find healing in this mass if you allow it.  There are three ways you know the spirit is healing your soul.  One might feel warmth overcome their body.  One might begin to cry, especially those who find it very hard to allow themselves to cry.  And then the one most people are terrified of...resting in the spirit.  This is where you are still in a very conscious state, but your soul is resting.  You will feel the urge to fall back.  No, I'm not pushing you and many people blame me for pushing them.  It's the power of the holy spirit.  There will be someone behind you to catch you and help you lay down.  Don't fight it.  It's hard to be in a vulnerable state, but if the holy spirit is powerful enough to enter your soul like that, let the holy spirit do the healing."

Rest in the spirit?  I don't think so.  Cry?  Yeah right.  I'm not one to cry and there are TONS of people here.  Like I'm gonna cry in front of them?  Psh, no way.  Oh dear God, please let me feel the warmth overcome my body!

I watch as people proceed to front to accept their blessing.  Rather than adding to my high anxiety by worrying what could possibly happen, I prayed for every person that received a blessing.  There were over 50 people in the church.  I sat and prayed for each one.   I tried to turn my selfish thoughts of anxiety into a selfless act of kindness.  Everyone goes through so many difference struggles every day.  Prayer is very powerful and I knew that's what I needed to do. 

Heavenly father, I pray that his/her soul gets the healing it needs.

The first few people never fell back.  After 10 people, I finally saw the first person rest in the spirit.  The priest put his hand on her head and began to pray over her.  Her body began to tilt back.  She fought it.  The priest continued praying.  Her body titled back again and she gave in and let herself fall back.  The person behind her caught her and gently laid her down on the ground.  And there, she rested in the spirit and allowed her soul to heal.

I cried.  What a beautiful and wonderful moment.  She gave herself, body and soul over to God and allowed HIM to heal her soul.  

Kimi leaned over and asked, 

"Do you want to go up there yet?"

I shook my head no and said I needed more time.

I continued to pray for each person who made their way up.  Some people rested in the spirit and some didn't.  Some fought it and some just allowed themselves to fall.

Finally I said I was ready.

As we made our way closer to the front of the church, my body began to shake.  My heart rate was increasing and I was getting very nervous.  We waited as the priest approached us.

As he made his way towards me, I just allowed myself in that split second to be vulnerable.  He approached me, anointed me with oil, and put his hand up to my head.  His fingers barely touched my forehead and his prayer barely began and I felt my body tilt back.  I felt warmth fill my entire body as I fell back.  In that moment, I gave myself completely over to God.

There wasn't a thought in my mind.  All I felt was freedom as my body fell back and landed in the arms of someone who kept me safe.  As he helped me fall to the floor, all I could feel was my heart rate jump as high as it had ever been.  Although my heart rate was high, I didn't feel anxious.  I didn't feel scared.  I didn't feel overwhelmed by stress.  As I laid there, my heart rate continued going up.  I just sat there thanking God for giving my soul a chance to heal.

My eyes opened about a minute later and I stood up, walked back to my seat, and just prayed.  My heart rate still very high and all I could think do was ask, "why?"

"Why is my heart beating so fast but yet I feel no sign of being anxious?  I don't understand God.  Is my soul healing itself?"

As Kimi made her way back to her seat, we gathered our things and left.  As we made it into the car, my heart rate finally began to drop.

Once we got home, we called our mom and told her about our experience.  I told her my heart was still racing more than I thought it would.  As a few more minutes passed, I checked my pulse.  My heart was finally back to beating like it should.  This is the first time in a month that my heart rate was normal.  

I don't have any sign of anxiety.  I don't feel that tightness in my chest.  I truly feel at peace.

For the first time in a month....

Was I healed?

I'd like to believe so.  It's hard to be vulnerable, but amazing things can happen to one's soul when it becomes completely vulnerable.  

Would you ever allow yourself to be that vulnerable?  Let go of any type of control and just let God take control like that?

As your ponder that thought, know I'm praying for you.  I pray that whatever struggles you are facing, that your soul will find the healing it needs.  I pray that your soul finds the peace it needs and you find your way back to feeling normal.

God bless you.

XOXO    

Finding peace on a bad day

I sit here looking at the amazing view my balcony offers.  I see ducks swimming, I hear birds tweeting their sweet tune, and I also hear the neighbor boy screaming out of his door, with his face pasted against the screen...ha!  And as I lean over my balcony to look at him, I see him smile a smile of satisfaction.  Like it was his goal to get my attention.  At that point, all I could do was smile.

Among all of these joyous sights and sounds, I still feel sad.  I still feel lost.  I still feel anxious.  

Why?

There are so many things in life to be thankful for.  All the rain we got the last several days to help things grow and bloom.  The time I've gotten to spend with my sister this last week.  A much needed week off from work.

But I still feel sad?  Why?

This is the only reasonable solution I could come up with...

A lot of has happened over this last year and I think I try so hard to be strong for so long that eventually my mind, body, and soul need a good cleanse.  Of course everything seems to hit all at once, but maybe this is God's way of saying, "It's okay.  I'm here.  Lean on me.  I'm not going anywhere."

I've been struggling with anxiety really bad lately.  Almost to the point where nothing calms me down.  I used to struggle with this when I was in college and few times when I lived in Texas.  But this seems to hit way too frequently now.

Often times, the only thing that calms me down is writing.  And that's what I do.

I write about my feelings.  I express how being vulnerable is incredibly hard for me.  Doing this seems to always bring my heart rate down and work through whatever caused me to get anxious in the first place.

I've always heard that journaling helps people sort through a lot of things.  This is my form of journaling I feel.

If you're struggling like I am, it's okay.  You're not alone.  Find ways to find peace.  Be thankful for the good things in your life, even though your heart and soul tell you otherwise.  

You'll get through it, just like I have.  Just by writing this particular post, I feel a lot better than what I did.

We all have different ways of coping with things.  This is normally my way.  How do you cope with bad days?

"Trust in the Lord with all heart and lean not on your own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5

Have a blessed and peaceful night.

xoxo 

Wisdom. Courage. Dignity.

"Knowing when to walk away is WISDOM.  Being able to is COURAGE.  Walking away, with your head held high is DIGNITY."

As I was unwinding from a long day at work, I came across this quote on facebook.  It truly hit home for me, or at least how I've been feeling over the last few weeks.

I never imagined myself facing some of the things I've faced over the last couple years.  But I have accepted that life is quite unpredictable and we must take each new situation as an opportunity to grow.

How do you let go of something you truly love?  The unexpected question that has been on my mind lately.

Unfortunately, the only answer I have for that is a cliché .  Give it time, as time heals all wounds.  

Good grief.

Honestly though, how do you let go of something you truly love, knowing it will better you in the long run?

The quote above says it all.

You gain wisdom by knowing.  You gain courage by acting on it.  You gain dignity by doing so with confidence.

Having this knowledge is what has been getting me through the rough patches in my life.  Letting go of something I love has been one of the hardest things in my entire life.  Along the way, I've learned it's okay to feel sad, angry, and upset.  It's okay to have days where you're absolutely certain about your decision, and other days where you doubt that decision and are devastated.  I've learned that all of that is completely normal.

I've also learned that everything happens for a reason.  Just like I stated at the beginning of this, each obstacle thrown my way gives me a chance to grow.  Gain that wisdom.  Gain that courage.  Gain that dignity.

I stand here today a stronger, smarter, and more confident woman I've ever been.  Even on my bad days, this is what I have to fall back on....

And that my friends is all I can ask for.

I can only hope that whatever you might be facing right now or what you could possibly face in the future that you too will find inspiration in this quote and become a stronger, better version of yourself!

XOXO

In need of peace among the chaos?

Let's end a beautiful day with a little bit of reflection....

"Commit your ways to the Lord; trust in him and he will act." -Psalms 37:5

"Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

I have been feeling really anxious all day and I just haven't been able to figure out why. But as I sit here to unwind for the evening, I'm beginning to feel a since of peace as I reflect on these two powerful verses.

I've also been praying this simple prayer....

"God, please help me to have a mind of Christ right now. I need you."

I found that prayer on a website talking about how to overcome anxiety. I hope that if you are experiencing any worry, stress, or anxiety that these verses and talking to God will bring you peace too.

God bless you on this Saturday night!

A Letter to my sister...

Some of my best writing happens when I'm sitting alone in my apartment...

very late at night....

and almost falling over due to being so tired.

Even though I'm so tired, my heart is truly filled with joy right now.

Everyone has had their struggles this year and throughout their lives.  Some more than others.  One thing I've noticed though is how much stronger each of these individuals have gotten while facing their struggles.

I can happily say, I'm one of those people.  I stand strong today because of what I've been through this last year.  I've lost a lot a long the way.  I even got a little lost along the way.  However, I gained a lot too.  And I know all those other people who have been struggling have gained a lot in their tough journey as well.

Watching my sister pack her life into boxes as she starts her new journey, I'm filled with such happiness for her.  She is one of the strongest people I know.  She has been through hell and back throughout her life.  Being born with cerebral palsy, having epilepsy for most of her childhood, and dealing with people passing judgment because of these things.... she made it.  She stood strong in her faith in God.  She never lost sight of her bright future or herself.  She might have fallen off the path, just like we all have, but as soon as she got right back on, she was stronger than ever.

These last few weeks, I've gotten to share some amazing times with both my sister and my mom.  We've had more laughs and shared memories in the last 2 weeks, and it warms my heart to know that I'm blessed to be apart of this family.

As today is my last full day with my twin sister, I want to share these words with her....

Kimi,

Life has definitely not come easy for you.  I remember growing up, I was always so jealous of you because you got all of the attention and poor little Kara was left in the dust.  Looking back though, I'm glad it was that way.  Because during that time, you taught me so much about life and myself.

You taught me that it doesn't matter what others think about you.  People always saw you as something different.  But you didn't.  You saw yourself exactly as you were.  You were Kimberly Collins and you were okay with that!

You always had a smile on your face and no one wold have known you had been through surgery or that you were on a diet to help with seizures.  Even when you had seizures, once you came back to consciousness, what did you do.  You smiled.

You inspire me, Kimi.  There are days I wish I was as strong as you.  You will do great things in Carey and you will make Lukas a very happy man.  He is truly blessed to have you in his life, and I know he knows that.  I also know he will never take you for granted.  He sees your strength and he loves you because of who you were, who you are, and who you are destined to be.

God continues to work through you.  Never let that flame within you go out.  It changes peoples lives.  It changed mine!

I love you and will miss you!

Your wombmate (haha, couldn't keep it all serious!) :)

  

Derby Pie

This has been a highly requested recipe....

So here ya go!

This is my mom's recipe for derby pie....

One of the best!

1 stick of butter

1 cup sugar

2 eggs

A pinch of salt

1 tsp vanilla extract 

1/2 cup flour

1 cup Chocolate Chips

1 cup chopped pecans or walnuts (I prefer pecans)

1 regular frozen pie crust

Instructions:

*Microwave butter for 30 seconds (soften)

*Cream in 1 cup of sugar

*Add 2 eggs and blend together

*Add pinch of salt and tsp of vanilla extract

*Stir in 1/2 cup of flour

*Stir in 1 cup of chocolate chips and 1 cup of chopped nuts

*Pour into pie crust

Bake for 30 minutes at 350 degrees or until it sets in the middle.

Serve with some vanilla ice cream and enjoy a Kentucky Derby tradition :)