You Are Free

It feels a little weird being back here with my thoughts on life, as it has been quite a while since I've put my thoughts and feelings into writing.

However, as I was drinking my coffee this morning, I decided to start this daily devotion that I picked up at a women's conference back in September that I attended with my best friend.

"Dare to Be" is the devotional series and the first devotion truly hit home for how I've been feeling most of my life.

Dare To Be Free.

That can stand true, I'm sure, for a lot of people facing challenging times in their lives.

Free.

Free from a bad habit.

Free from sinful behaviors.

Free from fear.

Free from feeling unworthy.

Free from feeling unloved.

Free from taking on guilt that doesn't belong to you.

Free from abuse.

Free from anxiety and depression.

Free from negativity.

Free. 

I've struggled with all of these things over the course of my life, but have slowly released myself from all of them.

Every once in a while, they can pop back up in your life and you have to figure out a way to push it back out.

The greatest thing to remember is that no matter what you have struggled with or are currently dealing with, it's never too late to set yourself free.

God is always there no matter how many times you need to be picked back up.

I found this quote from the devotional very powerful that I wanted to include in this post.

"You and I are FREE.  We are NO LONGER slaves to anything.  We are HIS.  We are LOVED.  And HE is more than enough for every hurt that we try to numb or void we try to fill.  Trust Him today with your need.  And believe that your freedom He offers is always the better option.  The only option.  You are free.  Don't stay in your slave quarters anymore.  Live.  love.  And claim your freedom today." (Dare to be, Natalie Grant & Charlotte Gambill)

WOW!!

God will always set you free if you put your full trust in Him.  

I truly know and believe this because He has worked in my life in ways that seem unreal at times.  But I wouldn't be where I'm at today if it wasn't for Him setting me free from all the burdens I carried for so many years.

I've grown so much in this last year and have found so much strength in my abilities.

I am strong!

I am worthy!

I am loved!

I am empowered!

I am happy!

I am a Child of God!

No matter what you are struggling with today, lay it at the cross and give it to Jesus.  He will take your burdens and free you from it all.  Just trust that His plans are bigger than your current situation.

You are free.

You are beautiful and worthy.

You are loved.

You are strong.

Keep pushing forward and set yourself free and experience what God truly desires for you.

A life enriched with many blessings.

God Bless!

God's Surprise Plan

All through Lent, I kept telling myself that I wanted to make Holy Week one of the best weeks I've ever experienced.  

Lent taught me so much discipline and obedience as I got up each morning at 5am to spend quiet time with God.  

Even on those mornings I felt tired, God brought me a lot of peace and strength.

As Holy Week was approaching, I saw all the events going on at my church each day and became excited hoping to go to each event.

As Monday finally arrived, I noticed my pep wasn't as peppy as it had been throughout Lent.  I tried to just shake it off as I did have a busy weekend and stayed up far too late partying it up with Tim McGraw at Notre Dame.  Awesome concert, btw!

As the day progressed, I could tell that something wasn't right but still chose to ignore the weirdness my body (er, God!) was trying to tell me.  As I got home, I felt like I had been hit by a huge semi-truck and decided I was going to stay home that night and rest so I could make all the other events the rest of the week.

BUT GOD HAD A DIFFERENT PLAN FOR ME.

SURPRISE!!!!!!

I woke up the next morning with the worst symptoms of the flu I think I've ever had and knew that God had something different in store for me the rest of the week.

And it wasn't going to any of the events either.

I tested positive for influenza A and seriously felt and looked like death.  I spent the next 6 days sleeping mostly and asking God why this was happening during Holy Week.   

Why are You giving me a high fever that spikes to temps that should probably kill me?

Why are You giving me aches and chills that make me feel like winter has come again?

Why are You giving me a cough that is causing my throat to feel like it's on fire?

Why did just moving from my bed to the couch knock me out for another 2-3 hours?

Why is this happening when all I wanted was to increase my obedience to you, God????

Little did I know that He was about to use my suffering to teach me more about obedience than I ever thought possible.

I kept Jesus' suffering at the very forefront of my mind every day.  I kept telling myself that He endured even more pain and suffering than I could ever experience from the flu.

What was my suffering trying to teach me about Jesus?

My uncontrollable chills (what guilt of sins can do to us emotionally and physically) -- The Agony in the Garden, Jesus feeling the weight of our sins, teaching us the importance of repentance of our sins.

My severe aches (toxins of our sins) -- The Scourging at the Pillar, heavy blows to His body that should have killed Him, teaching us what true purity and selflessness is.

My headache and fever (our sins can prevent moral knowledge) -- The Crowning of Thorns, Jesus teaching us the importance of moral courage of doing what is right over wrong.

My extreme exhaustion and fatigue (the determination to bear our crosses with patience) -- The Carrying of the Cross, the exhaustion and pain Jesus endured, however, he kept pushing forward with patience and determination, teaching us the virtue of patience.

My throat on fire (what temptation can feel like, the rocky path of faith we will experience till our time of death) -- The Crucifixion, teaching us that no matter how hard it is to stay on the path of faith,  no matter how severe the temptation, Jesus remained faithful to God through it all and died for our sins, teaching us that by having true faith in God, it will give us the armor we need to face everything and lead us to everlasting life.

WOW!

Never did I think I could learn so much about Christ's suffering for our sins from one simple but horrible flu I had.

God taught me true obedience through my suffering and I couldn't be more grateful from how powerful last week truly was for me.

Even if today was the first day I felt like a human again!

I encourage you to think of Christ's suffering when you feel yourself suffering and see if you learn something just as powerful.

It might change your life!

It certainly brought me closer to my faith!

Thank you God for this amazing lesson!!

I Am NOT Afraid

After reflecting on 2 Samuel 4, I realized that my life leading up to where I am now could relate a lot to Ishbosheth.  

He was a man who took his courage and trust from another man (Abner) rather than God.  When he found out about Abner's death, he felt as if he was left with nothing.  Then when under pressure, he turned to fear.

For most of my life, I thought my trust and courage came from the Lord, but soon realized that it came from trying to rescue and fix other people.  In doing so, when those people would disappoint me or leave, I felt as if my life was left with nothing at all.

I felt hopeless.  I felt unworthy.  I felt damaged.  

I felt doubt.  I felt alone.

I felt fear.

Fear can truly paralyze us when our faith and trust is in everything else but God.

But when we put our faith and trust in Him, we can overcome that fear.

"So we can say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear...'" (Hebrews 13:6)

"He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust Him.  Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrows that flies in the day." (Psalm 91: 2,5)

There are so many evil things going on in this world and it's hard not to fall into the darkness.  I was there and it was not an easy thing to pull myself out of either.  Once I realized that my entire life was living in this fear, I knew there was only one way out.

So I set it in my heart to grow closer to my faith and God.

Each day was a stepping stone and I slowly stopped finding my trust in others.

I started seeing God's goodness around me and His mercy for my lack of faith.

He was my shield against that darkness.

Did I fall short?  Of course I did.

The journey to trust and follow God is not meant to be easy.

But having patience and determination that you want to flee from that darkness and fear will guide you to put your whole heart into trusting God and many blessings and happiness will be waiting for you.

Truly blind faith.

As we read further into Chapter 5 of 2 Samuel, we learn how patient David was in waiting for God's promise to him.  David was promised the kingdom many years earlier, but it didn't become his until several years later.  However, his patience prepared him for his important tasks that were a head of him and also strengthened his character.  Think of all the times we have had to be patient in our lives.  I truly feel that my patience in this last year is what gave me the confidence and strength to be who I am today.  

When David captures the fortress of Zion, it truly shows David's trust in God.  The Jebusites told him that even the blind and lame could keep him out because they felt they were safe within the walls around them.  But think about it, are we truly safe if God is not near?  The Jebusties were the ones who were blind and lame as they had their trust in the false security of other things but the Lord.

However, David shows us that his trust and security is in God and he found a way to show his trust in God in how he captures this city that then became the City of David.  

Whether we are surrounded by walls of stone, a comfortable home, or a secure job, no one can predict what tomorrow may bring.  Our relationship with God is the only security that cannot be taken away. 

Chapter 5 ends with David's battle with the Philistines and how he asked and listened to God to guide him on what to do and how to conquer this battle.  

We are given free will and most of us struggle to find the right thing to do in life.  We have the choice to ignore God and do things our own way OR truly listen and look for signs from God to guide us to make the right decision.

David was the chosen one and even though he failed on his journey, he put on the armor of God, he listened and he trusted Him without fear of what was to come.

This inspires me because of the fear I've lived with for many years.  But I choose to trust God as David did, have the patience that my trust in God will guide me down the path to true happiness without the fear that almost took over my life.

Are you going to put your trust and courage in others like Ishbosheth or are you going to put on your armor of faith and find your security in God?

Patience.  Determination.  Trust.

   

A Sign of Hope

This message from yesterday's devotional was absolutely perfect, especially during this season in my life that seems scary and full of uncertainty.

It's hard to imagine how hard you work to build yourself back up to be torn down again, but this message shows that it's far from that.

God has a plan.  He removes things from your life when they've become toxic.

Let God guide you in this season of your life and you'll be amazed at what the path leads too.

God, I trust you.

Show me the way.

Amen.

When God knocks...

ALWAYS OPEN THE DOOR!!!

Because nothing is too hard for the Lord!

I'm currently facing what seems to feel like an impossible situation.

Driving home in tears last night, I realized that my confidence in my self worth, that I had been trying to build up over the last year, was just shattered into a million pieces within minutes.

When I get involved in anything, I give myself wholeheartedly and selflessly.

In doing so, I have found myself hurt or incredibly broken when things don't seem to go in my favor or cruel assumptions are made.

Rather than wallowing, I spent most of the morning and afternoon trying to piece back the million pieces that were shattered.

I started gaining my confidence and understanding my worth again.

Then BOOM!!!

The Devil's knocking at the door...

I'm back to being broken and battle worn.

Feeling helpless and replaying it all in my head again.

I had to force myself to remember that nothing is too hard for the Lord.

Even through our toughest challenges, we should always remember that God is there to pick us back up.  We are the biggest challenge to Him every day, but He never gives up on us.  We should never give up on Him and His grace.

I've been doing a bible study through an app on my phone since the first of the year.  The study today focuses on 3 challenges in the Bible from Proverbs 1:8-19 (resisting temptation), Matthew 6:25-7:23 (living the life style of Jesus), and Genesis 17:1-18:33 (Trusting the Lord in difficult times).

Matthew and Genesis were the two that I could really relate to in this moment.

Jesus says, "do to others what you would have them do to you." - Matthew 7:12

Even though this is so beautifully simple, it can seem almost impossible to live out.

"Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them." (v.12)

If nothing is too hard for the Lord, then we can live by this golden rule, right?

I believe it's something we all as humans struggle with.

Worry is usually my biggest challenge and Matthew 6 is about trusting our Heavenly Father to provide (v.26) and to stop worrying.  God knows our every need (v.32).

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow; but it empties today of strength." - Corrie ten Boom

Among our challenges, we may want to judge especially if we feel someone has done us wrong.  But Jesus encourages in Matthew 7:1-5, "rather than sowing harsh criticism and judgement, sow mercy, kindness, and love."

It's also important to live a radical life and stay on the narrow road that has no room from pride, dishonesty, anger, hatred of enemies, or unforgiveness. (v.13-14)

In Genesis 17, the Lord appears to Abraham with a huge challenge: "I am God Almighty; walk before me faithfully and be blameless" (v.1).

God makes an everlasting promise to Abraham with this challenge; He promises the land of Canaan, as well as the many descendants and nations will come for him, which is where his name Abram was change to Abraham, the 'father of all nations' (v.5).

We can learn so much from Abraham's intimate relationship with God, as Abraham trusted God in his difficult journey of life, however God was in constant conversation with Abraham, encouraging and promising him things along the way.  

If we truly listen and are obedient to God, just as Abraham was, we receive many blessings and promises as we overcome our challenges of life, even ones we never thought we would deserve.

This was an amazing reminder for me today.  No matter what challenge I face, worrying will only cause me to lose strength along the way, so I must lean on God always, so his promises will be fulfilled.

"Lord, help me today and always to continue to trust in You.  Thank you, that whatever the issues I'm currently facing in my life, nothing is too hard for you.  Amen"

No matter what you are currently facing right now, don't worry and trust that God will hear your prayers and act accordingly in His timing.

Good things are coming your way.

Just keep opening the door to God.

He will guide you to something amazing!

God Blessed my Broken Road

This is a very rare and raw post. I recorded this video almost 2 years ago hoping I found everything I was looking for. Little did I know, I was so very wrong and faced one of the most difficult times of my life. However, 2018 led me to see this song in a different light. This song guided me to see God did bless the broken road I had traveled. He didn't lead me to a man I was hoping to have, but He led me to something so much greater. He led me to not only rediscovering and learning to truly love and accept myself, but also led me to have an amazing relationship with Him and my faith. This video is a reminder of how far I've come this last year and what I hope to continue to discover in 2019! I now sing this song for me and God. ❤

A New Year's Blessing

A Prayer about BLESSINGS

Merciful God,

Your love is like an ocean, and wave after wave of your blessings flow over me.  Your Word says that you have promised rich blessings to those who love you, including your presence, your grace, your comfort, your provision, and your eternal peace.  What abundant riches!  I am overwhelmed by your love and generosity toward me; my cup overflows O Lord, may I always respond to your blessings with gratitude and obedience.  And guard me from desiring blessings just for my own benefit so that I can live a comfortable life.  I know that would be misunderstanding your purpose, which is to bless me so that I can bless others.  May your love and grace flow through me.

Amen.

I am walking into 2019 with a clear heart and mind.  

If you wronged me, it's okay.  I forgive you.  

If you're angry with me, you won.  I've let it go.  

If we aren't speaking, it's honestly okay.  I truly wish you well. 

 If you feel I wronged you, I am very sorry.  It definitely was never my intention.

  

I'm grateful for every experience that I've been given.  Life is too short for pent up anger, holding of grudges, stress, fear, or pain.  

Here's to 2019!
I choose to...
give rather than take,
love rather than hate,
better rather than bitter,
heal rather than wound,
let go rather than dwell,
bless rather than stress,
encourage rather than criticize,
be grateful rather than resentful.

I choose to be happy and focus on the light within everyone rather than their shadows.

2019 is 

A season of continued forgiveness and a positive mindset.

God is in control. 

The Walking Tree

About a year ago, I came across this devotional video series on my bible app called "Miles a Minute."

I recently just started watching them again and forgot how powerful they were.

The best part is that these videos are only a minute long and have so much to offer within that minute.

The episode that really struck me was revolved around "The Walking Tree."

It talked about how a walking tree has roots on both sides of the tree.

If the tree wants to move to the left, the roots on the right side must die in order for it to move forward to the left.

The video further explained that in order to move forward in life with God, we must let the past die first, our old roots.

Old habits.

Old relationships.

Old perceptions.

 Old views of yourself.

You will then grow new roots as you start leaning and trusting God on the new path you have chosen and that He is leading you down.

Just as it states in 2 Corinthians 5:14.-17,

"Christ's love controls us.  Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.  He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves.  Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.  So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view.  At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view.  How differently we know him now!  This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person.  The old life is gone; a new life has begun."     

This has been something I've been reflecting on for the past 9 months.  I've been dealing with fears, insecurities, and anxiety all related to my past.  I've been working on letting go of all of these things and growing these new roots in God, trusting to lean on Him rather than my own control.

He has brought me so far and has given me a new strength within myself.  He has shown me how powerful He truly is when you give Him all your trust and control over to Him.

It was a rough year of healing, but I'm truly happy in this moment and every day I'm alive.

Where are your roots planted?

Are your roots still planted in the past?

Resentment.  Fear.  Pain.  Anxiety.

OR

Are you slowly letting your past roots die so you can be rooted in a future full of happiness and strength?

OR

Are you finally rooted in your present with God?

Do you feel His presence in your soul?  Do you feel his forgiveness?  Do you feel Him taking control over your life?  Do you feel strong and happy?

Where ever your roots are planted, know that God is for you and He is with you.

Nothing you've done in your past can keep you from moving forward with God.

Keep pushing forward.

It's worth it, trust me.

Happiness is in your future.

Fear is a Liar

Powerful things happen when you least expect it.

During a medical massage this past Monday, it was brought to my attention that my medical diagnosis on my neck and back was much deeper than just a physical issue.

I've been undergoing numerous medical massages and chiropractor adjustments over the last month to hopefully fix and put my body back to where it should be so the pain I've been in will subside.

After finding out I no longer have the curve in my neck, adjustments and massages are how I've spent most of my last few weeks, while battling endless and horrible pain.

While I've smiled through most of this, I was starting to feel defeated as to why the pain just wasn't stopping.

My adjustments were finally starting to move things back to where they belong, but still no relief.

As I was laying there Monday night, listening to the sounds of chimes coming from the speakers, my massage therapist had me flip over so she could work on my neck.

After a little while, she started working through a very tight muscle and realized once she got past it, there was inflammation around my spine.  After reassuring her that my x-rays came back with no signs of a herniated disk, she broke out in tears.

She told me about this vision she had which led her to believe that something deeper was going on than just the physical issue at hand.

She had this vision of a worm inside my neck.  It was yellow with fangs.  It reminded her of the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle.  She said it had a hold on me and it was toxic.  She then named it fear.

The pain is not only my body trying to heal, but also me carrying fear around from my past.  

FEAR!!!!

I've overcome a lot, but never would have guessed that I was still carrying this around.

I drove home that night in a complete daze and listened to a song that was needed in that moment.

"Fear is a Liar" by Zach Williams

As my body and soul broke down, I realized my therapist was right.  I had to find a way to release this toxic lie within me.

Fear is a LIAR!!!

Fear will not have a hold of me any longer.  It doesn't control me.  It will not cause me anymore pain.

   I am still on the road to recovery and becoming stronger every day.

Physically.

Emotionally. Spiritually. Mentally.    

Fear might knock me down, but it sure as hell ain't gonna keep me down!!

https://youtu.be/sQTnREEtuNk

You Ought to Understand YOU!!

"Refuse to allow the circumstances of life to swallow you up so that you lose perspective.  There are things to do, but everything must be done from a position of order instead of chaos.  Be thoughtful in your process and apply divine wisdom.  Establish and maintain a solid connection with Me, says the Lord, and I will guide you.  Stay calm."

Life is hard and at times can seem extremely unfair.

However, those difficult and unfair situations make the good moments worth living for.

These last 8 months have not been the easiest for me, but this journey of healing and acceptance has helped me grow into a better person.

For as far back as I can remember, I was these 2 things.

A runner and a fixer.

I always ran away when things got tough.

I'd either run and turn to alcohol to bury the pain that I didn't want to face.

OR

 I tended to run into relationships that always needed fixing beyond what I could personally repair myself.

In doing so, I lost who I was and became a caregiver to everyone else.

I felt like if I could fix everyone else's problems, this emptiness inside me would be filled with gratitude from helping others.

That the pain from my past would just disappear.

But I found myself only feeling more alone and confused.

After finding the strength to get out of a relationship that was going down a dead end road, I promised myself that I would not get involved with anyone else until I fixed myself.

I always said my motto was "Until you become a me, you can't become a we."

Even though I preached this on many occasions, I didn't know how to become a "me."

Quite frankly, I didn't even like who me was!

Regardless of how much I despised myself, I knew I had learn to accept myself before I could have a healthy relationship with anyone else.

In the last 8 months, here are the things I've learned.

I have learned that being alone is okay.

I have learned that I don't need anyone, but I do desire to be with someone.

I  have learned that the only thing in life I truly need is God and God alone.

I have learned that my past was causing me to make poor decisions in my present.

I have learned to deal with my past, which led to learning how to be truly vulnerable, raw, and real with myself.

I have learned that I am a good person.

I have learned that I am NOT a victim.

I have learned that my past was NOT a mistake.

I have learned that all the horrible and unfair things that happened in my past where just life experiences to help me grow and understand what I want for my future.

I have learned that I am strong and my past will no longer keep me down.

I have learned to accept myself.

I have learned that I can only control how I react to people, but I can't control how people act.

I have learned that I can only make myself happy, no one else is responsible for that.

I have learned how to trust myself again.

I have learned self-control. 

I have learned each day is a blessing.

I have learned to truly love the woman that God has created me to be.

Learning all of this about myself has not been easy and there were times I just wanted to give up over the last 8 months and fall back into old habits.

But I didn't.  I kept pushing forward.

I trusted God to be in control and here I stand today:

STRONGER.

SMARTER.

HAPPIER.

HEALTHIER.

I love where my life is at in this moment.  I love that I'm okay with being single at 30 years old and knowing that I can take care of myself and not feel dependent on anyone.

Do I want to start a family one day?

Of course I do, more than anything.

But I want to continue growing into a healthier and happier person so when the right person does come along, I'll actually be ready to finally become a "we."

God has taught me a lot, especially in these last 8 months.  

The thing I love about Him the most, are the little lessons He teaches me each day when I least expect or find myself feeling like a victim from my past.

What He taught me this week was so profound, I couldn't help but laugh and call myself silly for feeling so negative about myself.

Here is what he taught me through a devotional I receive every morning.

"Beloved, I have created you to be resilient, and I will lift you to a place spiritually where you can bounce back from difficult conditions.  However, you must exercise your will to move forward by not taking the victim position.  Take one step at a time and one day at a time to regain faith and power, says the Lord."

You are not a victim.  You will overcome whatever you are facing.  Trust God and learn to trust yourself again.  In time, you will find what you've been searching for this entire time.

That my friends, is YOU.  The person God created YOU to be.

Let GoD... Learning to Trust Yourself Again

Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face.
We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear.

Often times we want to seek out actions to avoid these feelings, however it's only temporarily relief.

Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening and we don't have to avoid it.  
We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on.

Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt.  

Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain.  

Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings.

Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones.  Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.

This is from a book my grandmother let me borrow a couple weeks back called, "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.

This last week in a half has been hard for me and it is not easy for me to admit either.

I can proudly say I have not turned to old habits.

I've allowed myself to feel real emotional pain.

I've cried more than I can count.
I've laughed.
I've even felt scared and alone.
I've embraced any emotion I felt.

I finally found the strength to get a consistent negative force out of my life.

In doing so, I not only found out I was much stronger in my healing process, but also found that my lack of trust within myself had to be rebuilt again.

This negative force caused me to feel so beat down as a person.

By surrendering to my painful emotions over the last week, I've grown to learn and understand that I am NOTHING that this negative force said I was.

I AM A REAL PERSON.

With real feelings and emotions.

I AM...

Trustworthy.
Loyal.
Honest.
Kind.
Loving.
Mother and wife worthy.
A Child of God.

NO ONE  will take that away from me.

Let Go and
Let God...
Heal you.
Change you.
Strengthen you.
Enlighten you.
Inspire you.
Give you love.

Let God be in control.
Let God be the only one you trust in order to trust yourself again.

Trust can be one of the most confusing concepts in recovery.
The most important trust issue we face is learning to trust ourselves.  
The most detrimental thing that's happened to us is that we came to believe we couldn't trust ourselves.

There will be some who say we cannot trust ourselves, we are off base and out of whack.  There are those who benefit by our mistrusting ourselves.

Fear and doubt are OUR ENEMIES!!

Self-trust is a healing gift we can give to ourselves.  

Do not trust fear.  Do not trust panic.  

We can trust ourselves
stand in our own truth 
stand in our light.  

Trust ourselves, and we will know whom to trust.  
Trust ourselves, and we will know what to do.  

When we feel we absolutely cannot trust ourselves, trust that GOD will guide us into truth.


God believes in You.
God believes in Me.
Trust God and trust yourself again.
Become that confident person through the grace of God.

I know each day, God has given me a new confidence and that is something I can trust!


God, help me let go of fear, doubt, and confusion -- the enemies of self-trust.  Help me go forward in peace and confidence.  Help me grow in trust for myself and You, one day at a time, one experience at a time.

Sei perdonato.

YOU are Strong!

I've been reflecting a lot over the last couple weeks and this morning as I was drinking coffee, I came across this video on YouTube for a self-help exercise.

Learning self-love and self-acceptance.

The exercise went something like this...

Close your eyes.

Imagine meeting yourself.

The person you are meeting in this moment is when you were at your hardest, darkest time in your life.

When you felt lost and confused.

You felt alone or even shamed.

Keep this person in the same room and now reintroduce her to you as your best self.

The time when you felt most happy in your life, most inspired.

The most proud of who you are.

Introduce these two people and have them hug and have them accept one another.

We are going to have our worst and best times.

The most important thing to remember is this person is the same through it all.

You are meeting that woman you wanted to be or needed in that dark hard time.

The good news is that's who you are and you've always had that inside of you.

You are that strong woman.

This made me think back to when I was the strongest I've ever been in my life.  Which was 8.5 years ago.

This is the when I was my strongest.  I had a strong faith in God.  I had just come out of one of my darkest places, but found that I was stronger than I thought.

Over the last couple months, I have felt defeated.

Beat down.

Destroyed.

Scared.

  Unsure of who I am anymore.

Unworthy.

Weak.

Alone.
Confused.
Depressed.
Full of Shame and Guilt.

Trying my hardest not to show how horrible I felt about myself in front of my family.

Putting on the best smile I could do at that moment.

As I did this self-help exercise, I let the woman in the very first picture meet the woman in all of these other pictures.  

I let them hug.

Through that vulnerable moment, I let the strongest version of myself begin to bring healing to the weakest version.

I felt myself getting stronger.

I started to feel that I was loved again.

I began to accept that I was worthy. 

No matter what you face in life, always remember that YOU were strong once.  YOU are still strong now.  

YOU will get through this.

A Poem of Healing...

Yesterday, I cried...

I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra, and I had myself a good cry.

I’m telling you, I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale. I cried until my ears were hot. I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand, I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried, for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways, and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself, only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to me the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen; for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up; for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried. I cried because little boys get left by their daddies; and little girls get forgotten by their mommies; and daddies don’t know what to do, so they leave; and mommies get left, so they get mad.

I cried because I had a little boy, and because I was a little girl, and because I was a mommy who didn’t know what to do, and because I wanted my daddy to be there for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried. I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt. I cried because hurt has no place to go except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place, and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late. I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn’t know that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming, Because Yesterday, I cried with an agenda.

-Iyanla Vanzant

Shaping the Path to a New Life

CHANGE.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who cringes when they hear that word.

Change is hard.

Change is uncomfortable.

Change is overwhelming.

Change is stressful.

CHANGE.

Even though there seems to be a lot of negativity with just the word change, we have to remember why change is essential to our lives.

Change is necessary for growth.

Whatever makes you uncomfortable is your BIGGEST opportunity for the growth.

With that being said, I wanted to share to a short story about how difficult change can be, but how it can give us a hope for a better future.

My dog, Spike.

She was our neighbor's dog for the first several years of her life and spent majority of her time outside in all weather conditions.  Eventually, we took her in and her life changed.

She got to come into a warm house with people who loved her.

I formed a bond with her that no one else will have all because of that change.

We changed her life.

Change helped her grow into a very loving animal and she was always so full of spunk and energy.

GROWTH.

The sad news is, life can have unexpected events happen and change will have to happen yet again.

Due to horrible freak accident about 7 years ago, we were told my dog would be paralyzed.  Not only were we determined, but Spike was determined not to let that become her life.

She has always been a very strong-willed dog.  No one was going to get in her way of thinking like that either.

She was never completely paralyzed, but she had to make major adjustments to how she lived her life from that point forward.

CHANGE.

She has lived a very fulfilling life, even with the challenges she has faced since her accident.

She CHANGED her spunky walk to a spunky limp.
She CHANGED her four-legged run around the yard to a three-legged fast hop around the yard.
She even CHANGED her attitude and became one of the most lovable and happiest dogs I've ever loved.

Her body is getting old and tired now.

She spends most of her time falling than she does standing.

She gets incredibly frustrated when someone tries to help her up.

She is not okay with her body doing this.

She is once again having to adjust to change and learn its importance.

Change.

Seeing her in this state breaks my heart more than one could ever imagine.

However, I've changed that mindset after a dream I had last night about her.

Change.

As I look at the world through my dog's eyes, I can see how hard change really is, but how determined she is to make the best of change.

It has not been easy for her, but she is determined to keep accepting these opportunities to grow.

Her frustration when someone tries to help her up is her determination to keep changing and pushing on until God tells her it's her time.

Change. 

This story may seem very irrelevant to this topic, but I don't see it that way at all.

Change is all the things I listed at the very beginning of this.

It's hard to let go of something you're used to and refocus on something new and unfamiliar.

Often times, people want to focus on what they have to let go of, rather than look forward to what they gain once they allow change to happen.

Change leads to a hopeful future.
Change leads to trusting in God and His amazing plans for us.  

We must keep this in mind when we face any type of change to trust that He will take care of us.  He is giving us this new opportunity to make our lives better.

Make our lives into what He wants for us.
Guide us to happiness, love, success, and trustworthiness.

Life is impossible without change.
Growth becomes optional.

Life becomes lifeless.

Change can lead to amazing things and bring so much joy to one's life.

Promotions.

Successful Relationships.

Healthy Habits.

Strength within yourself.

Renewed Faith.

God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing.  All you need is faith.
(Joel 2:25)

If my dog can do it, anyone can!

AMEN.